40+ Marriage Tweets for Making Good on Your Vows

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  • 01
    a geek @alfageeek Follow My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
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  • 02
    Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn [Friday night] Wife: *tells me weekend plans* Follow [Saturday morning] Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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  • 03
    URSULA(s) Follow @3sunzzz My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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  • 04
    Salamingia @salamingia Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife. We're 7 mins in. Follow
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  • 05
    Brooke Siegel @brookejena Follow "Does this smell ok?" and "Guess when I last washed my hair?" are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.
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  • 06
    Maybe She... @CantWait ToNap Follow Husband: "Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?" Me: "Sounds good, I'm starving."
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  • 07
    Slade's Situation™ @Dad_in_Brief *Looking for something around the house. Me: Have you seen it? Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs. Me: Ah, thank you. *Still has no idea where it is. Follow
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  • 08
    Denise @food_shoes_life Follow What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?
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  • 09
    Kent Graham @KentWGraham My wife just replied to my email with "Unsubscribe." Follow
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  • 10
    Valerie @ValeeGrrl Follow Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza
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  • 11
    How YOU Doin @jollyrobber Follow The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.
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  • 12
    Lord Baconbutt @Gupton68 Follow I hadn't realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.
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  • 13
    Dan Regan @Social_Mime Follow My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.
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  • 14
    Sir Rüb @chocmoney1974 Follow I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."
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  • 15
    Sara Says Stop @PetrickSara Follow Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life. Husband: Shopping at Target isn't a calling.
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  • 16
    C~ Follow @aGreeneyedChic Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.
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  • 17
    StaceyLynne @StaceyLynne_44 "Where does this go?" my husband cleaning Follow
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  • 18
    mark @TheCatWhisprer 90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I've done something yet. Follow
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  • 19
    Housy Wife @wife_housy Follow Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I'm going to change into something more comfortable *takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants
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  • 20
    MyQuestionableLife @2questionable If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules. Follow
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  • 21
    DPW @pondermymaker (100 miles from exit) Wife: You need to get in the right lane. Follow
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  • 22
    Swishergirl @Swishergirl24 90% of marriage is just loud cleaning. Follow
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  • 23
    James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Beavers mate for life. Follow Me: I wonder how they make it work. Wife: They never have to listen to each other eat cereal. Me: *chews more quietly*
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  • 24
    eric @ericsshadow WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that Follow ME: *picking kids' coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
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  • 25
    Betty @BoomBoomBetty Follow If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.
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  • 26
    American Gent @AmericanGent69 Follow Just once I wish when my wife says "we need to talk" she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.
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  • 27
    Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries. Wife: Congratulations. [2 hours later] Me: We have nothing to eat in this house. 5:12 PM - 9 Jan 2016 184 354 Follow
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  • 28
    Kalvin @KalvinMacleod WIFE: *tightens tie* the shoes really make the man ME: WIFE: *tightens tie* ME: WIFE: *tightens tie* ME: *gasping* I'll take off the sandals RETWEETS LIKES 77 225 4:40 PM - 27 Dec 2016 41 23 77 225 - Follow ***
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  • 29
    Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump] 5:48 PM - 13 Dec 2015 h 793 2,355 Follow
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  • 30
    keet @KeetPotato Follow accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid" 4:44 PM - 27 Oct 2015 + £75,015 8,206
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  • 31
    Kent Graham @KentWGraham Follow My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we're very, very good at it. 6:33 PM - 28 Aug 2015 125 243
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  • 32
    Simon Holland @simoncholland [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations* 6:21 PM - 12 May 2015 724 1,358 Follow
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  • 33
    Kalvin @KalvinMacleod 29 Nov 2016 WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away* 44 27 151 386 ***
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  • 34
    keith @tchrquotes Follow Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only... Me: EXACTLY the amount 5:35 AM - 4 Nov 2014 2,274 4,024
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  • 35
    Must Be 18 To Meh @TheAlexNevil Follow The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. 3:53 AM - 12 Apr 2016 £ 157 316
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  • 36
    Me: I'm so ready for the kids' Christmas pageant. Wife: *confiscates my flask* Me: OK, now I'm ready. Wife: *confiscates my backup flask* OLEPROVEO RETWEETS 286 James Breakwell @Xploding Unicorn 27 LIKES 2,708 10:58 AM -22 Dec 2016 3 286 2.7K Follow
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  • 37
    Pete Lynch @PJTLynch ✔ Follow Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"? 4:10 AM - 3 Nov 2013 7608 1,115
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  • 38
    D James Breakwell @XplodingUnicom-Jan 2 Wife: *points to 2-year-old* She's eating chips for breakfast! Me: I didn't let her. Wife: Me: I was eating them and she overpowered me. +17 27 334 2.7K
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  • 39
    Pej A. @pazarm Follow #Friday Nights Me: "Are we going out?" Her: "I don't know, what do you want to do" until we fall asleep on the couch #Married Peoplelssues 1:24 AM - 9 Jan 2016 20 30
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  • 40
    The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys. ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this. RETWEETS LIKES 5,739 7,268 8:54 AM - 1 Sep 2016 £3 5.7K 36 Follow 7.3K ...
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  • 41
    The Glad Stork @TheGladStork When my wife lots of mediocre cupcakes. 12:51 AM - 25 Mar 2013 47 352 814 Follow me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin like cupcakes that just look like
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  • 42
    WIFE: I'm so tired of you following rules ME: Oh yeah? *moves hands on steering wheel from 10-2 to 9-3* WIFE: *tears clothes off* PULL OVER RETWEETS 138 Michael @Home_Halfway 46 LIKES 520 9:04 AM-3 Oct 2016 27 138 520 Follow
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